In his first ‘dispatch’, Jules Evans, philosopher, author and blogger, writes to Rachel, who has had her first encounter with disturbing thoughts. October 2020.
I have been going through a really rough time lately and it is quite similar to your experience. I was quite a happy go lucky person through life until I had a bad terrifying trip on weed (my first time trying) I took way too much and freaked out and that traumatised me — having very anxious scary thoughts like what if I harm my self, what if I harm others — what is the meaning of life and what’s the point of it all.
Like you I thought I ruined my brain chemistry forever. I still have the strange belief that everything in life is so insignificant and now I’m applying this to my daily routine — why bother getting dressed, why bother looking well in-front of people…strange thoughts like that and even when I give myself a sensible answer to this I boil down to WHAT’S THE POINT IN LIFE?
It’s like being told Santa isn’t real again.. Only I’m an adult and I want to be the happy-go-lucky one who got joy out of things instead of having this thought that puts a dampener on them (it is probably the worst thought I have, it makes my heart sink). Anyway I just want to know if you think I can be happy and live a life where I don’t feel like someone is poking me telling me life isn’t worthwhile.
Thanks for your email, and I’m sorry you’re having a rough time of it at the moment.
Some basic initial steps. Firstly, if you’re feeling depressed and frightened, it’s worth telling some close friends or family. I didn’t tell my parents — or anyone — for years about my bad trips, and I think this made a difficult situation a lot worse.
Secondly, you might find it helpful to talk to a therapist. I’m not a trained therapist, but these days you can get free Cognitive Behavioural Therapy on the NHS or ask your GP. I can’t promise the therapist will be helpful, but it’s worth a shot. (You can also find CBT books and apps online — I recommend the books of Albert Ellis).
The therapist will probably tell you that how you feel isn’t necessarily how things are. Sometimes our emotions become habits — we get habituated to taking a dark view of things, and are sure this view of things is true. So be wary of immediately believing your feelings to be true judgements of reality.
They will also tell you that sometimes we have irrational beliefs that cause us suffering, which we can learn to question and challenge. For example, I used to find it difficult to go to the theatre because I was very worried I would shout something out and everyone in the theatre would look at me. No shit! I honestly was so worried about this I’d put my hand over my mouth throughout the whole play. Then gradually I learned I wasn’t going to shout out, it was an irrational fear and I could call its bluff. Now I can sit through plays without my hand over my mouth. Progress!
Although I’m not a therapist, it doesn’t sound like you have schizophrenia to me, it sounds like you’re having what’s called an existential or spiritual crisis.
This happens when our consciousness sees through some of the constructs and conventions that ordinary life is made up of. We no longer believe in the things we used to believe in, and this makes us unhappy, because we’re not sure there’s anything worth believing in.
There’s a story-line that many of us follow in life. It goes like this.
In the beginning I was a happy-go-lucky innocent, without a care in the world or a distressing thought in my head. I lived in a Happy Valley of childhood. Then something went wrong. Something bad happened to me, and now I’m exiled from Paradise, and I’m stuck in a world where everything seems grey and miserable and somehow lacking in warmth and colour and joy and purpose. And I can’t get back to the Happy Valley. I can’t find my way back home.
Prince Siddhartha (the Buddha) wakes up to death and suffering
This is exactly what I felt like when I was in late adolescence and early adulthood. And I think it’s a classic psychological journey. It’s the Fall of Genesis. It’s also what happened to the Buddha — happy teenager, then a sudden shock to his world-view, then a period of depression and searching. A lot of us go through the Fall when we’re in our late teens or early 20s. It’s a nasty surprise, not something our parents or teachers told us about, although it’s described in many books.
The Fall is really an awakening. It’s our consciousness realizing that some of the things we believed in are actually a bit of a charade.
When I was 17 or so, I went through one of these awakenings — suddenly, the world seemed a rather sordid and selfish place. Everyone else seemed a bit of an egotistical phony, chasing after their shallow and pointless goals. Getting a career, getting a nice house with a nice lawn and a nice wife, getting a thousand followers on Twitter…what’s the point!
Letter to Rachel -Part 2 in another post.
Read Jules Evans: https://www.philosophyforlife.org